Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
