My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
