There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Rumble strips road head = magical
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
