I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
don't judge my taste in strippers
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
