I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
