God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
