Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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