Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
