1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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