i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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