Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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