Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you win again, gameday.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
