barbara walters just said penis...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
