Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
