He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
