You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
