I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
