Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
