She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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