seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
