chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
