Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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