Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
