And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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