i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
