I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
