My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize