GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
