That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
