Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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