What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
