He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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