Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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