remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
