1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
