420 ftw
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
