Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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