Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
