You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
