My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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