I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
