Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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