Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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