I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
