You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
