I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
