I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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