I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
