Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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