did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
