sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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