fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I AM VODKA MAN
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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