My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
