Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
