omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
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Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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