Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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