I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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